vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
You Might Also Like
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough