JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
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My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months