To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
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I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.