Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Fluff me with a fork baby
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.