Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no