Put this video in the Louvre
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
WWE is French for “yes”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children