I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
You Might Also Like
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.