date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
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MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Buying a well is money well spent.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?