:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
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If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.