Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.