Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Finished stitching this today 😇
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
#NoRestForTheWicked
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
You can’t outrun your problems…
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Feels like the fourth month in January