GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I laughed at this way too hard.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!