A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I