I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
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{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.