[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
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Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
The dark side of Canada
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real