just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.