I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie