When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
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Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
every. time.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.