You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”