My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
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My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar