not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I ate everything, including the H.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.