Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.