Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
You Might Also Like
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
who did the taste test?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
omg leave her alone
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road