If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?