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I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem