PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Happy Friday
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My teenage children choosing violence
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.