*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Aaaa…CHOO!
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Who knew!
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Beware of the dog..
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.