I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
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Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.