There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
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Waiting for the Charmin
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.