me after drinking all the wine:
You Might Also Like
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.