Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Practicing safe sax
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Good Morning.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Golf would be better with landmines.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”