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I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
excuse me
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
It’s a gift
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.