My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
And now we wait
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?