*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
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“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub