[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
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Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.