If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
plums roundup
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Happy thanksgiving!
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH