“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
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Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*puts cutlery down*
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.