What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”