[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox