OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.