FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
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Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.