The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
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“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.