The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
favorite tropes as memes
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”