I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
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The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
How your email finds me
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.