Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype