me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
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I see your IQ test came back negative
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.