Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.