ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
finally found a reasonable question
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?