“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
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If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Bruh PLEASE
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
fixed it
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.