Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?